I used to have a dog. I used to be neurotic. I used to be greasy and short and skinny. I also used to get a decent amount of attention from boys, I think because I excrete a lot of pheromones. I’m pretty sure that’s it because I’m doubly sure that I smelled a bit, too.
I am a…Ninja, sort of. I could wander around the school, eat my lunch outside on the grass or just sit around pretty much anywhere and no one would tell me I didn’t belong. I could also be in a group, even talk with a bunch of people and have that group forget I was there. I chalk it up to choosing not to have much presence. It can become very annoying and I can’t always turn it off, I especially couldn’t in high school. Good camouflage doesn’t just disappear. You’ve got to know it’s there before you can take it off. You also have to know how to take it off and that’s something that I, with all my fears and causes for annoyance, was not so good at figuring out how to do.
High school was fun for me, after the first year, when I panicked and despite the two middle years when I just decided not to struggle too hard against my mediocre grades since trying made me too worried to function very well. My dog was one of the few nice things, my selfish, long-haired, cat-like dog who never wanted to hang close to you unless you were constantly petting him. Still I loved the dog, even though he was a daily reminder that people won’t get close to you unless they want something from you. Of course, that’s true and it’s not some horrible thing that limits my regard for the human and animal races. Life is based on giving and receiving things. We are pack animals. We gain good feelings from giving things but we don’t always like to give. Sometimes someone has to give something back.
It’s a terrible thing to just be happy with giving, unless you have some limits. It’s a terrible thing to be unselfish, unless you can decide when you must be selfish. Being nice is good. Being selfless and infinitely forgiving may be very nice for cultivating inner peace but it can backfire. We are built on a sequence of pushing and being pushed and those that are only pushed, are likely to get pushed much farther towards the edge. You must limit, otherwise, it’s hard for those that take to know how much is too much. I’m not saying they mean to, only that standards are based on experience.
I like knowing this. I like not believing that people will automatically give you what you want, like some people do, even if it is true for them. (Pushing and being pushed again.) I like not to demand too much, though I often fail. I suppose I could just demand what some believe to be their fair share, but I’d feel like an ass, so I don’t.
I’m less smelly and greasy now. I’m less nervous. I’ve learned several things. Of course, that is a sign of progress but I’d like to learn so much more still.
I’m rambling. Hey, look, I’m putting myself to sleep. Whatever you believe, fine. What I have said is pretty obvious. It’s just how much you simplify it.